I'm numb.
I am excited for him, but at the same time I can't help but worry. He's not only moving out of the house, he's moving to another state. 18 years old and he's legally a man so I can't tie him to the bed in the hopes of keeping him here longer with me, just so we can have some time together with each other.
We don't have a close bond like we did when he was younger. We use to do so much together, go to the park, and the library, I volunteered at his school and we would read books together and watch movies together with his younger brother(who is now 15). Life was so much easier back then.
Now he is the young man who has dreams of becoming a famous rock star. He plays the guitar like it's a second appendage on his body. How he moves his fingers so quickly I will never know. He has a gift, one he did not receive from his mother here as I can barely sing(except in the shower LOL ) let alone play an instrument. I can play mary had a little lamb on the piano and heart and soul(intro) but that's about it for me musically. My son taught himself to play guitar, and keyboard and drums. He took a guitar class freshman year just to learn how to read the chords. He's highly intelligent, yet sometimes lacks the good sense God gave a goose as my mother always said to me. He gets that gift of good sense from me I suppose, as I sometimes tend to lack that gift as well.
My son is an amazing young man. He's had a rough life, his father has been absent for a good portion of it and he's never really had much of a male role model except for my brother in law who is an awesome guy and my father, and I have made some pretty crappy life choices that he and I both have suffered because of them. I've always had compliments from people who know him saying what a "good kid" he is. True, he's made some rather poor choices in his life, but who hasn't. Life isn't about living up to others expectations it's living up to your own. If you are happy with your life's choices, and you can look in the mirror and say "I'm proud of what I accomplished today" no matter how big or small the task, then it doesn't matter how you get to where you need to be, as long as you don't harm yourself or others in the process. I've told him this, on more than one occasion, as this is a lesson I've learned myself by taking the road of hard knocks. Not exactly the road I want him to travel either, but it's his life not mine and he has to live with the consequences good or bad.
So here is this once little man now towering over me at 6'3" tall, tattoo on his belly and gauges in his ears, long hair that will eventually cascade down his back one day I'm sure going off to join his band mates in a city and state so far away. I felt myself tearing up the other day as we chatted, I told him how much I love him and hope for him to be happy in the quest of his musical dreams. How I will always worry about him even if he's fifty and I'm 71.
We went out for ice cream and had a nice chat together. I told him after he asked me for a ride to meet a friend "Now I hope you realize that if you get stuck in Ohio, I can't come get you because it will take a good four days to get there, and I don't think my van will make it." He laughed. He said not to worry because if he ever did get stuck he'd have his band mates with him.
I told him how some days I will say out loud "Watch over your homie" to a friend of his who passed away last year. He smiled. I know his friend will watch over him, and I know for a fact that his great grandmother is watching over him as well. He'll be fine. He'll do well. I have faith in him.
Okay, I'm starting to cry here so I'm going to get going. Goddess bless my son on his life's journey and protect him. As much as I don't want to I have to let him go. I'm loosening the apron strings, one at a time, this last one is the hardest to untie but my little duckling needs to fly. I guess I'll leave a trail of bread crumbs so he can find his way home again in the form of emails and phone calls.
I love you Jared. Stay safe.
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